I'd like to extend a warm greeting to folks coming to Greensboro for the Wyndham Championship at beautiful Sedgefield Country Club. I hope you enjoy your stay and come again soon. While you're here, I'd like to give you some advice to make your visit more pleasurable, if less, shall we say, enlightening:
Do not under any circumstance travel past the police cordon. Our brave officers and other hired security professionals stand ready to protect you from people like me. Gosh, were you to be so foolish as to head up High Point Road toward Greensboro, well, we can't be held responsible for what might happen.
No, we'll have the National Guard, the ones not yet killed or maimed in foreign wars, to protect you from the locals on your way to and from your plush accommodations at the Grandover Resort. As you turn on the water in your opulently appointed bath, don't let it concern you that innocent people, just a few miles away, don't enjoy city water and have little at all so that your needs might be met.
If you must have local flavor, please take my advice and visit McPherson's in Adams Farm Shopping Center. The jovial inebriates habituating the bar are colorful, if not, shall we say, polished. You'll be awed that with the decor and concept they've been able to keep it a simple, if inelegant concern.
For those of you coming from downtown and the Sheraton Four Seasons, please take one of the shuttles. Do not put your life and those of your friends and loved ones in peril by attempting to navigate Lee Street and High Point Road in your own vehicle. We have humvees and Bradley Fighting Vehicles on hand to accompany the shuttles. We've had too many hungry travelers go missing on the way to Stamey's BBQ.
You may have heard we have a vibrant downtown with great restaurants and nightlife. This is true. We also have crackheads, whores, drunks, gamblers and apparently, some recent Mafioso. They like to fight with the cops late at night using sidewalk patio tables and chairs. It's interesting to watch. Again, you can take one of the many armed shuttles to and fro and listen to the brazen lies about the coming light rail system.
I'd love to direct you to our lovely river and mountains. Alas, we have none. There's a quaint water park for the unfortunates on the south side of town. Of course, most of us enjoy backyard pools and the facilities at the several country clubs where we drink and screw each other silly.
However, so long as you remain within the confines of your property, flesh, illicit drugs and heinous murder are all available for your worry free enjoyment. My, aren't the locals tasty.
As an added bonus, nearly all the Sedgefield wives are veterans of the adult entertainment industry. Just visit the wine aisle at the Adams Farm Harris Teeter and pick out one for yourself.