Scared White People for Fred Smith

I wanted to exercise my right to speech by helping the voters with their selection of the GOP candidate for Governor. As you go to the polls, please remember:

- It's not your fault Fred Smith had to compete with two dozen orphans for his mother's affection.

- It's not your fault Fred Smith was too small for regard by his father, the coach.

- It's not your fault Fred Smith summered at Fort Caswell.

- It's not your fault Fred Smith ducked Vietnam by enlisting in the JAG Corp.

- It's not your fault Fred Smith failed at farming and blamed Jimmy Carter's grain embargo to Russia.

- It's not your fault Fred Smith failed at real estate and blamed a bad economy.

- It's not your fault Fred Smith divorced his Wife, won custody of his children and blamed his Wife's mental illness.

- It's not your fault Fred Smith never sought therapy and blamed God for his problems.

- Al Qaeda and the gays are not coming to ruin your way of life. George W. Bush has seen to that.

- No matter what Fred Smith promised, the Mexicans are here to stay. W. has also seen to that.

- Despite a vigorous effort, a vote for Fred Smith has absolutely nothing to do with supporting the military.

- Fred Smith wears cowboy boots.

- Despite being acts of genius, use of BBQ, God, the USA, and 9/11 is pandering.

- Requiring Lee Greenwood to sing that song, night after night, is inhumane.

- Requiring Mr. Greenwood to eat BBQ, night after night, is inhumane.

- Requiring anyone not running for office to look at that much of NC is inhumane.

- Life in Johnston County is often inhumane.

- Giving forlorn hope to the stupid and the aged with fairy tales is cruel.

- Exciting the racists and the homophobes is dumb.

- Do your part in ending Narcissism.

- Pat McCrory, like me, is too ugly to be a narcissist.

- The Raleigh - Charlotte battle doesn't matter in Greensboro.

- But having a Governor from Jamestown would be nice.

AFAYK, Fred Smith was not a happy baby. His mother preferred the poor orphans to her own, and little Fred often cried himself to sleep for want of attention. Eventually, the tiny future criminals and therapy gold mines could take no more, purloined a pencil and slipped into Freddie's crib one night. They scrawled an "L" on his forehead, so hard that the image drew blood. To this day, folks who've been up close to Fred and not instantly bowled over by a sycophantic County GOP official swear they can still see the faint outline. To the faithful, it is as though he were marked by God.

Freddie, mistaking their intent, graduated Wake Forest Law School in 1966.

In his book, Freddie speaks of dating Randolph County Sheriff Brown's daughter. Stenchville is in Randolph and I know the family. AFAYK, their main recollection of the event is Freddie's interest in Ernestine's shoes, jewelry and make up.

If Fred Smith wins tomorrow, my hands will be clean.

Obviously, with today being cinco de Mayo, the Fred Smith Company was closed.

The employees affectionately refer to Fred as L'Amante de la Burro.

In the sad little book, referring to his three terms as NC Senator to the wasteland known as the 12th district, he essentially complains about "those mean Democrats" as though they were unruly charges of the state, completely immune to his persuasion.

This guy's been failing upward his whole life.

Lee Greenwood's band is working on a book about their recent experiences. They're calling it A Pig Too Far. It will be a graphic novel of booze, drugs, hookers and the cross-eyed, buck-toothed cretins they met along the way. A camera crew filming the event indicated they hadn't seen such devastation since Fallujah.

Everyone involved with the 100 County BBQ Tour is being treated for PTSD and the violent outbursts triggered by hushpuppies. They also were given a course of antibiotic treatments as a result of having been in Gastonia.

Comments

Thanks.

Some people are offended by the crack about his Wife, but I strongly contend she was mistreated.

She was indeed.

You think Fred's gonna come out on top tomorrow? I hope he does.

I'm for McCrory.

Lest anyone wonder, I remain a Republican.

We all need to laugh

Tonight we all need to laugh. It has been a rough month watching things happen that we wanted to hush eachother and shut off the tv and other violent acts... this was a very funny post. laughed and laughed til I cried.

TurnNCBlue

Thanks again.

I was running some of these by the Wife tonight and she mentioned it being cinco de Mayo. I spit my beer. Some stuff just writes itself.

It's my turn to pay.

My allegiance is to the tenets of Conservatism rather than to the elected.

Done.

Email as to time and location.

Weird

I think these posts are a tid over the top. I don't see why you spend so much time going after Smith's family life, his upbringing, etc. It just seems kind of cruel.

Smith's a bad guy, but we don't need to taunt him about his parents, his wife, etc.

This is Total War.

When I decide to go after someone, I use everything at my disposal. If I had more info on this scumbag, I would have used it. This is not tiddly winks.

Phoenixdem is correct

These kinds of attacks are disgraceful.

Agreed.

So is Smith's campaign.

No justification

So let Smith be discredited by his campaign; you discredit yourself by this kind of tactic.

I'm way ahead of you...

And not terribly interested in Fec's dignity. The only regret I'll have is if this cretin wins.