Interview With the Vampires

The young reporter sat his tape recorder on the table in front of him. He had several extra tapes, just in case, and his fresh notepad and two new ballpoint pens were at the ready in case he wanted a first person reminder if something really juicy was stated. The hotel room was nice, if not elegant. It was off the beaten path for sure, but still a mini-suite with some decent luxuries. The gratis bottled water in the ‘fridge was a nice touch.

For the hundredth time just this morning, he congratulated himself for this incomprehensible stroke of good luck. How his name had managed to be picked from thousands of other aspiring journalists to be the recipient of this golden opportunity still eluded him. When he heard his cell phone ring, which was a miracle in itself since he was unable to afford the bill for the past two months and he expected his service would be shut off any second now, not even in his wildest dreams would he have guessed what or who was on the other end of the connection. He didn’t believe it at first. Why me? he thought when he was sufficiently given reason to believe. At this point reality had set in though and he simply didn’t care why anymore. He just smiled and readied himself for the task at hand. Even though his birthday was four months away, he kept thinking

“Happy Birthday to Me!”

The voice on the other end of his cellular connection had told him that he had been hand picked for this interview. It was explained that in the last days of the administration the movers and shakers wanted to talk, to explain in no uncertain terms what they had done for the past eight years and why. No whitewash, no spin, nothing but the absolute truth.

Again, his mind repeated the words, Happy Birthday to Me! Oh HELL yes!

The knock on his hotel room door came just a moment later. His heart skipped a beat and then found its way into his throat. He faltered for just a second, his mind racing. A second knock followed. Up and out of his chair, he floated towards the door and his destiny.

He swung the door open as if in a dream. There, outside in the hallway stood a tall and burly man that seemed a very imposing figure standing outside one’s hotel room doorway. The tall man said “Mr. Johnson? Are you alone and is everything ready as we discussed?” Ian Johnson stared at the man for a moment and then broke out of his paralysis. “Yes. I’m alone and I’ve made sure that everything was done as requested.”

The tall man looked to his left and with a slight up and down nodding motion then moved into the room, causing Ian to back away and allow him passage. Two other men then shadowed their way into the doorway and through into the room. A hand from the hallway reached out and pulled the door closed.

Ian Johnson found himself standing in the presence of the two most powerful men in the world as of this very day. Two men who were purported to have visited unspeakable pain and disruption upon the United States of America and by all accounts, the entire populace of the world. There before him stood The President and Vice President.

“Thanks fer takin’ us up on this offer on such short notice young man” the President said with a twinkle in his eye. “Ah heard you had a tough time believin’ that we wanted to talk to you. Well, don’t think anything of it. We wanted a chance to talk to someone outside of that hateful Main Stream Media before we left office. We want to set the record straight about our time in office and what really went down. Ah’m tired of talking in double-speak to the White House press corps and beating around the bush, heh heh heh!”

Ian was ready! All his inhibitions had fallen away and he was all about doing this interview, publishing a piece of it at a time in the highest bidding publication and then writing a book about this experience. Just like hitting the Lottery, only better. Fifteen minutes of fame? Not Ian Johnson, baby! This was just the beginning.

Ian faced the President and said “Sir, it is my pleasure to have yourself and the Vice President here today. I’m flattered beyond words that you chose me to receive this interview and I’ll be sure to not let you down. You said to duplicate your answers exactly as you give them and I will do that, Sir. Would either of you like something to drink or do you want to just get the ball rolling?”

The Vice President growled “Let’s just get this thing over with and get the hell out of here, for Chrissakes!” The President chuckled “Heh! Let’s just sit down, Mr. Johnson, and you can ask your questions and we will answer truthfully and completely.”

They sat down at the table and Ian switched on the tape recorder.

The Interview

Q: (Johnson) OK. When you first came into office you stated that you were going to be a compassionate conservative. What is it that makes you a compassionate conservative and how did that description of yourself manifest itself in your day to day decisions?

A: (President) Compassionate conservative, yeah. Well, that was something one of my speech writers thought sounded really good at the time. I laughed when I read it of course, but at the time I was more worried about getting’ elected than tellin’ the truth, so I allowed that to stay in the speech. Look. NeoConservatives are NOT compassionate and anyone that bought that load of manure hasn’t been paying attention. The base ideal behind Neoconservatism is simple greed. Y’know, I’m gonna get mine and to make sure I get mine, I’m gonna make sure you don’t get yours.

Q: (Johnson) So, uh, you didn’t mean it when you said it? You really never aspired to be different from the Republican Presidents that came before you?

A: (Vice President) Son, you need to get this straight. If you keep asking questions about the answers we give after we have spelled it out to you in no uncertain terms, this is gonna take all damn day, and I for one don’t have time for that. Now ask your questions, get your answers and if you have an intelligent follow up question that doesn’t make us repeat what we just said, then ask away. OK?

Q: (Johnson) OK. I hear you. I was just taken back a bit. I guess when you said you would answer truthfully and completely, I just wasn’t expecting that much truthfulness.

A: (President) Yer gonna get nothing but the truth here today.

Q: (Johnson) Right. In that case, my next question is regarding the war in Iraq. CIA reports. Weapons of mass destruction, al Queda and Saddam working together, the need to take him out before we see a “mushroom cloud” over America. There were a lot of statements made by your administration and the media that backed you up, yet in the end none of those statements panned out. Why DID we attack Iraq and secondly, what was the expected outcome?

A: (President) Hey VP? Told ya he would ask about this out of historical sequence, didn’t I? Not a word about 9/11 or Afghanistan. He went straight on to Iraq like I said. The MSM sure played that one once the truth came out.

Well young man, let me tell you about that CIA stuff, WMD, and all. We set Rummy up to be our point man on this. No one, and I mean NO ONE does double speak like Rummy. Of course he had Kristol eating out of his hand, but the rest of the Villagers lined up like friggin’ dominoes to be toppled over by the incredible bullshit Rummy was feedin’ em. It was a thing of beauty, my friend. Known knowns and unknown unknowns! I laughed my ass off for days over that one, lemme tell ya!

Anyway, here is the skinny on Iraq. You see, both the VP and I have oil in our blood. There is no easier way in the world to make serious money than to create fear of what-the-hell-ever that will scare the panties off all the soccer Moms at home, and then create a diversion based on regime change to save the world. Then you steal every damned thing that isn’t nailed down while everyone is looking the other way. How does a guy accomplish that feat of slight of hand, as the magicians call it? EASY! Create enough fear throughout the populace of slinky brown Muslims and other shady types that the masses are so worried about their own personal asses that they don’t bother to worry about what it will take to save their asses. We sent PALLET loads of $100.00 bills to Iraq which disappeared and even though it was widely reported, no one seemed to care.
You see why I mentioned that you took this out of historical sequence? Even you don’t understand that 9/11 was the unfortunate mishap that allowed this scheme to come into play. Without it there is no fear. Without fear there is no scam and believe me, this was a scam without precedence! We thought we could go into Iraq and make some money on the oil contracts that the government we set up would give us and then it became obvious that war was more profitable. WAY more profitable.

Q: (Johnson) Wow! Now that is a lot to digest. You’re telling me that you did it all for money? I mean….

A: (Vice President) Dammit! I told you that if you were gonna ask the obvious that this would take all goddamned day! You heard the man, now move on!

Q: (Johnson) Yes, Sir. Sorry. I’m just a bit overwhelmed is all.

A: (Vice President) Yeah, well I’m a bit underwhelmed right about now, so can we get on with this?

Q: (Johnson) Sure. Yeah, sure. Um, OK. You say that war was far more profitable than oil. Once you had the pallets of missing money in your hands, why didn’t you just move on to the oil contracts and get your kick backs from the corporations? I mean, there are thousands of American soldier’s dead and rumors have it that there are hundreds of thousands of Iraqi’s dead due to this conflict. When were you going to stop the bloodshed and just get to the point of making money?

A: (President) HA! Now that is rich. You mean, you haven’t figured out where we are coming from yet, my friend? We aren’t in this game just for money or oil or power, although all of that is an increasingly added bonus I must say. We are in this game for the one thing that is most important. Tell him Mr. Vice President! Heh!

Q: (Johnson) Mr. Vice President? Perhaps I am missing the point here? If it’s not the money and the power or the oil and the military base in the Middle East, why are you in the game at all?

A: (Vice President) Damn, this kid is so stupid! OK kid. Let me spell it out. We are in the game as you call it for one reason. Blood. I see from the biography we received on you that you happen to be type AB negative. Very rare and quite lovely. Look at the time! We really need to get going.

You first, George?



I love this.

Thanks, James

I appreciate it.

North Carolina. Turning the South Blue!