Zinc update

To our shareholders, present and future,

We are pleased to offer this update, chronicling our ascendency in the world of all things Incorporated. Less than a month after our Founding, We can assure you with absolute confidence that our Magnificent Presence is alive and well.

Rights and privileges
Among the many motivations for our Incorporation, the ability to ignore government regulations that violate our religious principles remains at the top of the list. One area in which We see progress is in our ability to avoid taxation in funding things of which We morally disapprove. Indeed, momentum is building for a full repeal of all corporate tax burdens, which will leave us free and clear to disregard any social responsibility that suits us.

Products and services
After market testing with the Governor and General Assembly, We are excited to announce that Smoke 'n Mirrors will be our inaugural product, having gauged demand to be at an all time high. Advance orders are now being accepted, and products will be shipped at some indeterminate time in the distant future. Free samples and swatches will not be available.

Campaigns and contributions
We witnessed the crushing electoral bureaucracy that greeted our human counterpart in his short-lived campaign for governor, and have decided to sidestep that traditional approach by throwing our hat into a different ring, the Corporate Ring. Today, We are establishing an exploratory committee to look into the possibility of our Corporation challenging Richard "Do Nothing" Burr for the U.S. Senate seat in 2016. With that in mind, We are now accepting offers for investments our campaign.

Corporate incentives

Over the next ten years, Zinc expects to hire more than four million employees from North Carolina alone, making us by far the largest Corporation in the state. We are currently negotiating for tax incentives from the North Carolina Economic Development Fund of approximately $1000 per worker, with additional incentives for activities that lead to pollution and congestion. Because our workforce will be unpaid and indentured, We expect for the Government to provide health services, child care, and food.

Zinc
Our Corporation is now offering unlimited amounts of money to any and all candidates and causes who take an oath of allegiance to our First Corporate Principle: We will buy what we want. Zinc is a limited liability North Carolina Corporation, accountable only to unnamed shareholders and Corporate overlords. No human beings were harmed in the making of this announcement.

Comments

Sounds

like a plan to me!

Have you considered

hiring a few political up-and-comers? You can usually get bargain prices on them (once they're elected and have seniority, it costs a lot more to buy them). If you get in on the ground floor, you can often install the puppet strings for a fraction of the cost of purchasing an entrenched elected official. Plus, once they've worked for your corporation, you'll be at the top of their list for political favoritism.

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"I will have a priority on building relationships with the minority caucus. I want to put substance behind those campaign speeches." -- Thom Tillis, Nov. 5, 2014

Three thumbs up!

A priceless comment

Wise counsel

We must ignore it of course. And then claim it as our own idea.

Now therefore.